This wasn't mine, He wasn't mine
Immediately following Drew's accident I was in survival mode. The unexpectedness of Drew's death threw me in to such shock I can't even remember many parts of those first months. I don't remember places I drove, getting the flu, cleaning out his office, Im sure there are lots of other things I could list but I don't remember them. They say stress can cause your mind to shut down in order to protect itself. Mine must have done just that to keep me from going crazy. Somehow, with the help of my friends and family, things got done. There was food on the table. The girls were happy and cared for. The paper work was started (although I still have to call my dear friend Joey to ask him about investments from that time, decisions we made, that I just don't remember). I guess this is what they refer to as "Widow's fog."
When the shock started to wear off (it wasn't gone, by far, but it lessened). I think I was in denial. I was an outsider looking in at someone else's life. Surely this wasn't mine. I have a kind, handsome, HEALTHY husband who I just talked to. He traveled a lot, he was just out of town, he would be home soon. I couldn't get rid of his clothes or move or really change anything because when he came back he would need to know where to find us and would need his things.
Again, the fog lifted a little more, the denial started to turn into reality (around Fathers day- so, mid June). I remember thinking I can't be in denial, this is real, this is in fact my life and yet it isn't even about me. It's about Drew and him not getting to see his girls grow up. And its about them not having their sweet dad. Thank God that was the day I got the text (mentioned in another post) from a friend who reminded me that I am enough for them. They don't need a new dad, I don't need a new husband. If we are all we have, we will be okay. That's all it took. Those 7.5 months were behind me. I got myself together and have used these following 7.5 months to focus on what I do have, on rebuilding our life, on hope for our future.
*While writing this post I kept typing over and over that this wasn't my life. Because of redundancy I had to delete that statement and reword a few sentences. So, I decided to make that the title. Then I stared thinking. Drew wasn't mine. Not that he wasn't mine anymore, that he never really was mine. He is Gods. He was on lone to his parents and brother and to me and our daughters. He was on lone to teach me more about love than anyone else ever has. True unconditional love (and patience). Of course my parents and daughters love me without condition but he chose me. In a world full of people he chose to love me.
When the shock started to wear off (it wasn't gone, by far, but it lessened). I think I was in denial. I was an outsider looking in at someone else's life. Surely this wasn't mine. I have a kind, handsome, HEALTHY husband who I just talked to. He traveled a lot, he was just out of town, he would be home soon. I couldn't get rid of his clothes or move or really change anything because when he came back he would need to know where to find us and would need his things.
Again, the fog lifted a little more, the denial started to turn into reality (around Fathers day- so, mid June). I remember thinking I can't be in denial, this is real, this is in fact my life and yet it isn't even about me. It's about Drew and him not getting to see his girls grow up. And its about them not having their sweet dad. Thank God that was the day I got the text (mentioned in another post) from a friend who reminded me that I am enough for them. They don't need a new dad, I don't need a new husband. If we are all we have, we will be okay. That's all it took. Those 7.5 months were behind me. I got myself together and have used these following 7.5 months to focus on what I do have, on rebuilding our life, on hope for our future.
*While writing this post I kept typing over and over that this wasn't my life. Because of redundancy I had to delete that statement and reword a few sentences. So, I decided to make that the title. Then I stared thinking. Drew wasn't mine. Not that he wasn't mine anymore, that he never really was mine. He is Gods. He was on lone to his parents and brother and to me and our daughters. He was on lone to teach me more about love than anyone else ever has. True unconditional love (and patience). Of course my parents and daughters love me without condition but he chose me. In a world full of people he chose to love me.
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